Ako dan Malam

Hari ni ako tak leh tido.. dah dekat jam 2.30 am dah.. barangkali late night dkt lab dah turn biological clock ako upside down.. so ako pn sambung la pembacaan buku Hlovate: Contengan Jalanan yang baru ako sentuh 2 hari lepas.. Perjalanan menccari Tuhan tagline nya.. cm biasa... bait-bait kata dia sentiasa berkesan dekat jiwa ako..

Half way.. ako pn berwuduk.. dan kerja kan solat sunat.. Ceteknya kan ilmu ako kan.. nk buat solat sunat apa pn ako tak tau... istiqarah pn tak tau.. last2 ako niat solat sunat ja... Macam dalam penulisan dalam naskah-naskah buku.. solat pada larut malam tenang rasanya.. pabila sujud.. rasa keinsafan yang tak terhingga.. ako cuba cari feel tu... tak dapat.. tak kusyuk maybe..

ntah macam mana.. ako capai la tafsir berhabuk yg lama dah ako tak buka.. dengan segala qudrat ako habiskan surah yassin.. punya kalut pay attention pada tajwid sampai ako lupa nk hayati terjemahannya... skali lagi.. tiada feel yg digambarkan dalam bahan bacaanku.. maybe dah tepu dah tompok hitam dkt hati ako nih.. nk cucikannya semula bukan perkara yang mudah..

"klau org kata nk buang tatu di kulit tu sakit, nk buang tatu dosa di hati lagi perit" Hlovate

Bila ako berhenti dan berfikir

kadang-kadang ako tertanya-tanya.. apa yang ako cari dalam hidup nih.. alhamdulillah serba serbi ako ada.. tapi kenapa ako tetap rasa hollow? perasan ni dia hinggap sekali skala.. kadang-kadang time di lautan manusia yang ramai.. feel ni strike.. kadang2 bila ako sorang-sorang.. ako mula buat deep thinking..

time ako paling tenang skali time ako matrik.. time tu la ako mula berjinak dengan solat jemaah dan bacaan yassin. Time tu rasa jiwa ako tenang ja.. walaupun mulut suit ako still tak dak insurans.. kekadang ako tertanya gak ngan diri ako sendiri.. dah tau apa yang kosong tu, kenapa ako still remain ala hippies camni? dlu time ako matrik.. ako rasa cam hidayah dan sinar keinsafan yang ako terima nih insya’Allah akan berkekalan sampai bebila.. ako salah.. sbb.. inner ako masih belum kejab ilmu rohani ako.. ako bukan jahil.. cuma ako masih dalam fasa penafian.. ako tau and ako percaya dengan rukun agama.. ako tau ako paling filled bila ako dekat nganNya dengan full focus.. sialkan.. setiap kenyataan ako ada ‘tapi’.. sbb tu ako kata ako masih dalam denial..

ako tak sure brapa lama ako going to be like this.. ajal maut tak kenal umur, jantina… ako tak tau bila time ako.. tapi ako.. ako tak mo that hollow feeling.. ako cuba.. insya’Allah… mungkin ako tak sempat filled it before ako chow.. tapi.. ako akan cuba… slow slow.. sebab ako juga percaya.. Allah sangat sayang kat ako.. sbb tu ako ada kehidupan ako sekarang.. Ako sayang Dia juga.. Ya Allah… kau ampunkanlah dosa hamba mu ini.. teruslah naungi ako di bawah hidayah mu.. wlaupun berkali-kali ako membelakangi Mu.. ako may not be pengikutmMu yang baik seperti rakan taulan ku.. tapi.. ako tetap bersyukur.. sbb ako sedar.. kasihMu.. tetap bersamaku.. ya Tuhan.. terima kasih.. Alhamdulillah…

late hang out

Checking out from the lab.. 2.50am... rushing away before the clock reached 3.. gegegeg masih tahyul.. ^^

Ako. Langit. Laut. Bumi (Part 1)

Along the way to kl I was accompanied by the full moon lighting up the whole journey keeping me AWAKE!! Even zikr could drive me to sleep.. I was blinking the whole way paying attention to the diver who drive slower than my EX5.. Cermat maybe.. my route to LCCT was:

Penang (Plusliner-RM 35.20) [8.00pm] --> Old KTM station (supir diraja fetched.. ^^) [1.00 am]--> KL central (Star Shuttle – RM 9) [3.15 am] -->LCCT [4.30am]

While the bus was stopping at Simpang Pulai's rest house, I was scanning the whole area from the upper level of Plusliner bus, the movement of living and non living objects are somehow in rhythmic order.. Cars, lorries, bikes, human from different gender and races and even counties were moving in such a way that they don't collide with each other but been full filling own and each other's needs.

Fiza came and fetched me and actually saved me from being tormented when I was at the mamak stall nearby the bus station. Despite of being scared as i was feeded by pairs of eye from every corner of the restaurant… cant blame them.. what was this girl doing at 2 am in the morning with huge backpack and only asking for a cup of milo and refuse to eat anything (helloooo!! pass eating time ler~~)

Hanging out at McD Kl Central at wee hour has long been forgotten.. Remembered during my younger days, hanging out with the geng around Bukit Bintang area and the McD was the pit stop before we catch the first train back to uni. mengimbau lagik~~ As usual, nothing from mcD that stir my appetite.. (again.. it was passed eating time!!) So we chatted and keeping up with each other's life... It's me actually been keeping with their life.. There's nothing much to keep with me pn...~_~

Bus ticket to LCCT can be purchased at the lower floor of kl central but we have to board the bus at the first floor.. The first bus to depart after the last bus (12 am) is at 2.45 am.. Cm poyo jer.. The place was under construction kot... And to my surprise.. It's Thursday morning and the bus is nearly full house!! What a crowd to board the so-called cheap flight. 3.15am sharp and the bus moved towards the airport.

There are few bus services from KL central to LCCT: SkyBus (Red Colored), Star Shuttle (Yellow).. Try to avoid star shuttle.. the whole bus was shuttling the whole journey!!! Hadoii~~~

Sky Bus & Star Shuttle (similar schedule)

Besides KL central --> LCCT, Star Shuttle provides:

1) Ipoh --> LCCT

2) Batu 3 --> LCCT

3) Puduraya --> LCCT (recommended. So u don’t need to wake your whole phone list to send you to KL central)

4) Setiawan --> LCCT

Or to save up some time, try KLIA Express (28 minute only) but with limited operational hour (5.30 am – 12.30am) and… u need to carry your bag into the transit bus that will drive u to the komuter station.. then again.. carry the heavy bag board the train.. and again.. out of the train.. save some energy and hassle basle thingy folks!!! unless there’s some time restrain and light luggage, other than that.. (thought there's a potter to help you with the bag.. but.. ishhh) Those buses will be sufficient.. U don’t want to start your journey grumbling kan..~~

High and Low in Borneo

Yeayyyy... Big Bang representing the Asia Pacific region won the Best Worldwide Act on MTV EMA beating other well known artists including Britney Spears!!!!! Jerit... which also means... another millions of screaming fans will be sharing TOP with me.. Haiihhh~~~~ 싫어!!! 그 남자 내꺼!!! (^0^)V

빅뱅!!!!! 축하해!!

Too early to decide whether this a trash holiday or its an event that i am going to annually attend it.. So.. bismillahirrahmanirrahim.. any info about the event, view here Laili Basir . Just in case suddenly i am MIA, call him!!!!! ^^

Karang Karangan

If i were to categorize which generation possessed the highest confident level, the honor will definitely goes to BABY. They will fearlessly cry their lung out without keeping track on the time and place. And due to this fearless attitude, they will always getaway with whatever their want.. See… how confidence they are in expressing their thought although one might require some skill to do the interpretation. Like the lyric goes: You said it best when you said nothing at all…

Time and life changed us differently. Some of these babies are the hot shot in a corporate company and some are unfortunately ill with social disease and stuff. But all of our life started as a cute little confident baby.. cliché huh..

Those who knows me will agree i am not plain.. not that plain.. but i am more to moderate.. moderate both physically and mentally.. i just happened to know this and that.. and being recognized sometimes by who and who… and ive been like this ever since i hit whoever that was blocking my way (that was so during my jahiliah time!!) So i don’t have this huge turning point in my life when suddenly i am from this person changed to the other multi-fold improved individual.

Confidence has been nurtured in us from our surrounding. My pa made me stand by the Penang Bridge and snap photo when i can still clearly remember how gila babi scared i am. So i constantly challenge myself from time to time and confidence has tag along piece by piece. I may not being able to shot editorial pic or walk on the runaway (Hanis Zalikha!! U know how jealous the female and shemale are on your achievements!!!! TT_TT).. but then...we the moderate people still have some moments in our life where we accidently took good picture and are occasionally confident tak tentu hala walking on our flat/heels on the street (p market pn kira hokey!!!)..

In my case.. Confidence does not really change me but it shapes/molds me into who i am today. Confidence makes you see world differently and have your own perspective view without being too intimidated by people’s possible criticizes on you. Because you know that if they don’t accept your thoughts/idea, at least you burppp them out and you are heard rather than sitting around the corner and not doing anything because you are too shy or quite. I always believe it’s better something than nothing at all.

I’ve read on one of the blogger story on this title. I don’t feel sorry for her.. yet i feel proud of her.. she found it and her life has changed ever since.. Her past is just a stepping stone for her before she’s out of the cocoon. So those out there.. don’t wait for the cocoon to break.. Tear it!! No shield is needed as long as you believe.. God is with you.. ALWAYS.. If you think that you are doing something right.. Go ahead and accomplish your goal.. You just have to believe in your self..

That you CAN.. you WILL and you WANT

Acknowledgemet

Sir : Since u've been training pomsae, i expected more from a pomsae athlete...

remarks: ahhhh it sounded so music to my ear... ahakz... being acknowledge as one even though everyone knows i can't remember most of the patterns and daaaaa i hate reverse swing.. ..^0^..

Should Stop trying

I’m not sure about you but i do have this tendency to impress people around me with whatever skills that i posses. Even there are times where i’ve done some chores merely to let people notice about me. What a shame.. never learnt the word “sincerity” huh!!! the travelling thing was started off as a plot to wow people until i fell deeply in love with it.. addiction.. really hard to kick off addiction... though uploading the pics are one of the best thing followed by the impressive comments by the viewers… ahhhh sial ako kan.. tak guna…!!!

Trust me.. it is very tiring doing so.. (see… i used present tense!! which means at this very age… i still accommodate myself with such act.. sometime… pathetic kan??) but u cant help.. since i can't vow people with my beauty, what’s left is hard work… getting myself busy here and there… so u want to say that i’m hypocrite yer? that why just i can't act like myself.. or be myself?? why bother to put on such effort??

these are my excuses (if u prefer it to be called that way)…

1. i’m hell a busy body that like to land my hand in nearly everything within my reach…

2. Everything starts off with routine work aspired by my dear mother… wash this.. wash that… take this.. take that.. do this and that... Eventually requests have evolved to habit… so i practically moved myself to the chores first before this bad lingering thoughts creeping over my mind…. so it is sincere in the beginning and the uninvited intention follows..

p/s: so people who felt that i am always buat bagus or belagak baguih tu… think what u like.. if that satisfy u then go ahead… i am still me and u are still you…

The moment

Couldn't help but falling for this pic..

wordless

silly isn't it..

You don't cry when you are committing sins...

yet...

You are hurt by simple verbal facts..

old n lame

Lama la plak ako tak berblog… not that i am extreme busy or what… harus aahhh ako stalk abis blog2 fav ako kan.. tak lengkap kitaran dan putaran hidup kiranya tiada sajian2 ayat-ayat gelak tuk ako start hari ako kan… cam effortless ja sesetengah org membuat lawak kt blog depa… “u need talent to be funny” hokey!! and ako love funny notes or quotes… this lazy cow cannot read heavy material… she’ll drain all her mental juice away and fell asleep immediately though she’s served herself with thick aroma coffee..

p/s: a little angry with herself lately for unable to control her anger… should she enjoys another holiday???

sorrow runs deep

People often said: do not get discourage by failure… I would say: Do not be carried away by discouragement. Hell a lie if u said when u failed on a task, u will head up and pay no attention to the sorrow.

It’s like being slapped heavily to the wall once u couldn’t complete your mission well though u have the strategy laid perfectly well in your mind. All things went on so well but the result turns out to be weird and unexpectedly bad. To top up the cream, you have constant critics pointing this and that for improvement. (0-0)??

p/s: The main subject of my story is: i cooked and i failed. i am angry and frustrated but i think i’ll still cook.

the sound of silence

i am almost sure that most of us view meditation as perlu ker?? if so.. then why people pay big money for yoga class which highly claimed to be effective as a medium to improve health?? why us the not-willing-to-pay for an hour of this breathing control and body relaxing class has lost by not practicing the mentioned discipline?

i was approached by my father once on meditating each time before i sleep nearby exam period to avoid me spelling out all the chemical formula during my sleep.. but that was years ago..

on one of the book that i purchased lately "100 ways to motivate yourself" by Steve Chandler (bare in mind.. u dont need to have the latest book on the shelf to suit your reading appetite especially if in the critical financial situation like mine.. TT_TT)..

on one of the sub topic: "Don't just do something.. sit there"..

1. "the best way to truly understand the world is to remove yourself from it".
2. "Be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet"
3. " you'll hear the side of you that you rarely hear. It's the side that makes the universe understandable."

i tried with my eye closed, trying to get myself some sleep before the sahur time after for nearly 2 hours lying awake on the bed.. what i did is the modified version of my own meditation since i often have millions of thing come across me from lab work to kitchen (that is a long stretch of journey hokey!!!)

1. I repeatedly took deep and long breath in and out.
2. since i still saw images and hear sound, so repeatedly i told myself: Don't think about anything... empty your mind...

slowly.... i was drifted away.. and i had a great 3 hours sleep better than 7 hours of dreamy black out...

plans

Since im admitting heavily that im useless and functionless during the fasting period.. i'm taking a drastic measurement... Labwork will be conducted mainly at night (huhh.. cari alsan nk skip terawih.. ^^). Which also means i'll be absent from the lab during day time and catch everything up after break fast.. unless something came up that need my heavy attention... haihh~~~~

My reading quest lead to...

Of all the books i bought, i’ve started off with The Duke and I by Julia Quinn. With 8 siblings named according to alphabetical order, the story of the Bridgestones is very entertaining. And to my horror, i found out that the author has laid 8 different stories for each of the member. Aha.. So the predictable me eventually hunted for all the 8 stories.. Nonetheless, being wise at my stage of financial status, i couldn’t help but opted for ebook. So i downloaded the rest of the stories from 4shred.com.. can u believe that? 4shared not only hosted music!! Even most of the latest novel can be downloaded from there.. Given that you are up to reading them from the screen instead of flipping through the milky pages..

Okay.. i’m being a bit sentimental nowadays when i started to go for classical romance than thriller (i stop reading thriller for quite some period…).. and why was i being this position. simple. I enjoy reading people’s happy ending because i don’t know what’s laid ahead of me.. and why i choose classical? instead of current account? Because women of those time has yet too be too blunt and upfront.. It is somehow romantic to be under the charge of CAPABLE man. ahakz..

Yet,i am the true example that contradict of what I’ve just said.. pathetic huh… You couldn’t help to like what you are but there are time where u wish u are less complicated and just be what majority women are supposed to behave and feel. Fall in love, tie a knot, bear some cute little thing in your womb then tadaaaaa live the life that you are supposed to live.. sound easy huh??

the execution might not agree with the theory.. Especially when u have a piece of restless soul that hunger for more than to be in a commitment. You envy the laughter of a happy family yet you foresee yourself in other part of the world doing the thing that u might regret of not doing.. It might not be bad thing dedicating your life to your family.. my mother once said she has no regret on getting married at a young age now seeing all her kids have grown up and she’ll trade nothing in the world for such privilege… (That is when we don’t drive her nuts by pulling worst that monkey prank)..

I don’t know where will the destiny lead… let just leave them to God and collect all the guidance and clues down the journey.. I believe that one will figure out when, where and what along the way… till then.. don’t stop hoping and praying..

Happy Ramadhan everyone.. may this holy month be filled with joy and keinsafan.. (ahakzz… i did skip all the kissing and bla bla bla part during the reading okay!!!!)

Membaca!! baca lah~~

So.. i've just bought 6 books with great price... ahaaa dah gebang abis dah dekat FB on my newly acquired and discovered skill of bargaining.. 0_0... actually ive been the loyal customers for years.. dia tak bg murah saja la kan...!!!

the scene at the second hand book store:

Uncle : Take any book u want.. uncle give u cheap price..

Me : I am looking for classical novel

Uncle : How about this?

(he was holding the whole stack of.. omg-if-my-mother-found-out-that-i-read-them-i'll-be-dead.. its the whole collection of i think is Anna James or im not too sure about the author...one of the book titled "Wicked" and the books are with 18+ rated cover... i think i somehow blushed that very moment...)

Me : ahh that is too heavy to me.. 0_O

So i got back with 2 books from Judith Mcnaught, 1 from Julia Quinn and 1 from Johanna Lindsay, 1 from L. M. Montgomery and 1 motivational book (kononnya kan rasa bersalah kan..)

so here goes my social life.. day time in the lab.. night time in the room or in the lab with them...

...end...

i told myself

repeatedly tell myself: i want to be intelligent... i want to be wise...

the only solution i can think off is: reading...

the only thing i like to read is: novel...

the genre that i like to read: classical and thriller..

i'll just have to accept that i am born to be : moderate..

People said novel lovers are dreamer

So.. i was away from blogging for like months??? was uptading FB status non-stop that exhaust my idea of writting.. what makes me write today? a story that was told to me earlier in the morning..

signn~~

being surrounded by individuals having various defination of relationships has actually freak me out with their issues and problems that they faced.. although the end of the day, they said it is a journey worth of going through when they see their counterpart, their heart melt.. everything back to normal.. and the cycle starts again~~ some arguments eventually strengthen the bond between 2. some will slowly reveal the real skin..

I do not favor situation where defination/explanation is required in everything.. Let's elaborate both pro and cons.. If we failed to stand firm on our thought/principe in the begining of a relationship, the partner may take our 'dislike' lightly and there's where the fire will start to trigger.. meanwhile, if we need everything to be explained and arranged as what we wish, then a doll (Barbie / Kent) may be a suitable partner kan? Haa... so how? ntah...

maybe all come back to the word "maturity" and "logic".. If u know u r partner in such a inconvenient situation, think logic.. should u act the way u r planning to act.. will that make u fake? i would personally said NO.. that will potray u as a mature person... as an individual with a logic mind.. of coz u can doubt on my way of thinking since im not in the same puddle mud or should i say quicksand?? ..^^.. seeing some of the couples behave unreasonable has disturbed me... is it so hard to tolarate (both ways please!! not only one party) in relationship? kan it is claimed that couple are so much in love with each other.. serabut sajok!!

Novel lovers are dreamers with many theories that hardly applied in the reality... well.. I am a dreamer and a novel lover.. and i seek for "They live happily ever after" ending.. so.. what's the rush? ~_~

Bicara Serius

I just finished "Rooftop Rent" by Hlovate. A writer that i came to love after first encounter with Tunas (borrowed and later bought from Nadia.. thanks!!!).. No denial on the talent of this i assume young write.. (my age maybe? she's a real mystery that no one seems to know much about her except that she's a medic student studied oversea maybe in Uni Arbadeen and from Perak.. ahakz.. dasar stalker.. lol..).. why is anything from her is in the top selling list?

1. She injected humor in her writing. Ako ska gelak klau lawak okay.. and it was..!!

2. She speaks perfect english.. not her.. her characters...!! gila.. ako pn celup banyak ayat dari dia... termalu sat...

3. She never failed to slip in religious messages in her stories. She starts with Korn, Metallica and all the i assume to be noisy music to Hijjaz, Raihan and the list goes on... and she makes the transition proses looks hard yet possible.. i listen to them once awhile... but was seduced more by Kpop songs... mode: kena insaf nih!!!

4. She shows that u still can rock even though you are properly covered up. ^^ (dangg... i was hit!! who who who!!!~_~)

Although im not in the position to talk about the 4th reasons kan.. but it doesnt hurt to listen to someone from the sideline.. controversy nih!! heheheh... naaa ive been that stage before.. and still do once awhile during special occasions (with folded sleeve?? pannggg... sakit weh!!).. hmmm correct me if im wrong (which is extremely high in probability!!)... I agreed, we should live moderately. But.. i still feels when one are committed on being moderate, one should not loose the personality that one posses or one should enhance their inner personality more (with line drawn ler~~).

There no competition on proving who is sempoi or tak.. Im not asking you to exhibit yourself: "weh!! lai lai... ako dh hijrah and daaaa im still hot as eva!!" dig yourself a small whole.. meh ako tlg timbus...!! What i noticed is that, underneath the cover (dont take the word in sarcastic manner okay.. it means more than a piece of fabric la.. i was trying to make the sentence simple .. okay...hit me if my language is this bad... toinnggg) lies hugh potential in being better in the public but is being shuhhh away by the concept of : i am contributing but im invincible... So u know that you are representing the hugh committees out there to show the non-believers that you are still parallel with the "ohh im being hit again"... and your choice of attire doesnt effect the your personal skills in dealing with daily encounters..

We will always assume that time will be the medium to deliver that we are as efficient as "again? sakit sakit sakit!!".. U might assume that people will knows some how or do they need to know? ...But babes.. if you are able to shine them with your personality why not leaving good early impression to people? Give them the instant creepy confident aura buzzzzz grrrr guuuuu ggiiiiiii...for what? Do it for yourself..

U.. u.. and u!!! out there... Be confident.. Raise your chin when u talk or deliver your msg.. look at the person you are talking.. u can choose to count the pimples scar if you are not keen enough to look ahakzz directly in the eye coz u might dinggg juling2 itik like me... ~_~.. just dont look at people lips... its annoying!!

When you want something... please please... cant u see im making the cute cacat bunny face asking you to: put aside the extreme shyness.. work for it...dont be afraid and dont put others' thoughts in your way too much (u need to listen to advice of coz... jgn jd kera luku... !!!but listen also means digest.. and think.. does it suit you? is this what u want? will you break any law if you stand still with your decision? the wise might not always right you know...we are human after all...maybe the style wasnt that suitable for u..maybe u'll be making the correct move by listening to yourself.. action might not bring happiness.. but there's no happiness without action kan?)

The saying goes: People with goals succeed because they know where they are going..

my saying adapted from that novel: Being noticeable or invincible.. U choose..

coretan coretan

When people are so proud of them being out spoken, i was started to get terrified with me making verbal statements that were sometimes a bit out of control. Hopefully i dont press their buttons too many times.. they are adult after all.. at this age, instead of receiving orders, we would prefer softer approach... big people d wat!!! But hey.. if u want people t treat you like an adult, do present yourself as one... fair?

Music and us

How do you view music? what i mean is: what music is to you?

1. Some might absorb all the energy from the music to full filled their inner needs.

2. Some enjoy the meaningful lyrics behind each song and co relate them with their stories (photo and music both tell thousand of stories... depends on how u interpret them)..

3. Some enjoy the harmony of instruments that make up the whole song..

4. Some inspire/motivate themselves by listening to certain genre of music..

Me? As long as there's a manly vocal behind with not to0 metal/heavy/noisy sounds will do for me.. (^^)V.... never a big fan of female voice.... Music to me is a distraction. A helpful distraction from the surrounding as a soft approach on isolating myself from the crowd. Music to me is a concentration mechanism that allows me to be on one mind and think... Music to me is a stress reduction tool that is in the need when I'm nervous or angry or tired...

Music is a combination of melody and words brings us far beyond our imagination if we close our eye.. blank our mind... and listen... sometimes we've done too much talking that we failed to listen... so peeps.. relax yourself and listen... indulge yourself in the beauty of music... and zzzzz.. tidooo... zzzz

test tube and time

I always stumble across events in my daily life that can reflect on how things works in real the real stage.. for example.. i was drying a few of my samples with nitrogen gas (to eliminate all the liquid before the sample to be injected in instrument for further analysis)..

the first badge are 6 samples that i left for drying and i went some for doing this and that.. came back after 5 hours.. and there were still remaining liquid in the test tube.. another occasion was i sat around the device and been monitoring the thing from time to time and i manage to dry the sample with the same flow rate as previous in less than 2 hours.. suddenly something strike me (as i was again reading novel while waiting...and quotes.. inspiration just flows.. ayyyy the power of reading kononnya!!!)..

Lets fictionalized the test tube as the person.. The time as time... i think u might have the hint on where's im heading to.. !! heheheh okay... isnt it more effective if u are paying your extra attention to someone dear to you (it can be your spouse and especially your children) within short period of time rather than leaving them behind with someone else and you are on other task...

i am actually pointing out more to parenting... sit and teach your children (if you are able to)... listen to them... be with them... talk to them (do more on listening!!!).. they might reach a rebellious era that will stimulate your nerve frequently but hey!!! you've been there before... they'll be okay if you dont press them too much.. be easy on them doesnt mean giving in too much... there's always good to be wise..

p/s: i was in the dark.. not knowing how to continue this piece of junk...but felt that there's necessity to write.. may be the novel reading thingy is drawing out all the motherly instinct in me.. what do u expect.. i only read love story with happy ending which certainly end with them living happily ever after and with kids.. ayy... a random statement: i definitely make a better mother than a wife...

Ridiculous

I dreamt last night.. Absurd dream..

I was so pissed in the dream when someone I think is somehow involved with me said after I put down my phone: “ Siapa tu? laki ka ppuan?” that I decided to end whatever involvement we had.

I will be glad if I were to be asked “Is everything OK?” rather than some random jealousy words. See how I react and im not even involve in anything yet!!!

pecah

On the numerous encounter with love-based novels.. i came across this one word that i found hmm should i say interesting? Crush...

Bull shit aah if u said u never come across such feeling.. Urban dictionary define crush as "it may grow into true loveor your feelings might wear away so don't jump into conclusions and mistake a silly crush for love"...

yayyy... why am i raising this issue again? because i find its ok to have crush to someone even though you or the other parties are occupied. u cant stop yourself from attracting to someone in that nick of time when you realize that zapppp he/she is so interesting (define your own "interesting").. attraction is similar to magnet.. what differentiate them from each other is magnet attracted to just any opposite charge of it's... while human attracted to certain criteria, style, look, background... these subjective things are beyond words to describe...

you'll find yourself being extra alarmed and curious in picking up details about your crush.. some with courage will initiate the first move... some will just be in the corner and watch him/her silently... what is actually great about crush for someone soooo free is having a target to hunt (virtually)... yayyyy in other word.. "stalk".. everything is made possible with the internet... and with people berlumba-lumba posting up their latest photos and status.. lg senang kan... you'll might end up disappointed knowing that his/her is taken or maybe his/her is not as what you pictured in your mind... but those adrenalin rush was fun!!! ahakz.. but..please limit yourself as a civilized stalker... Do NOT down great yourself by interrupting your crush's life..

rewinding the old fav activity of mine: crushing and decrush in less than 1 week or maybe month.. ntah.. timeline is indeed very hard to keep track with... i think that's how i actually survive being single all these while.. (despite having great friends around.. give credit to yourself if u think u fall on this category!!! ^^).... it was fun imagining the days we might spend with each other if it just happen to develop to further stage... but be real.. crush is like an interesting subject to dissect... you wanted to explore as much as you can about your subject.. in silent (i prefer this)... after you learn everything that you want about your subject and without him noticing (sometime i wish i am noticed!! but demmm am to plain to be visible..)... then the feeling just died off... after you found the next crush.. ahahaha or the crush is no longer lingering around your mind.. that's why... "feel" is an extremely unpredictable adjective...

so... those out there with commitments... don't blame yourself if u have crush towards anyone... you just need to learn how to neutralize the crush.... how to control those feeling so that it wont effect your relationship... no one said it is easy to do so... you need time and full consciousness.. let the feeling flow... it's like the wind... that will blow upon you and chill u up and next.. its gone...

p/s: one thing im curious to know... how to know that you crush has crush towards you

Ako nk balik awal hari ni

Once a month when your on red flag period... even tiny little thing will shake your whole day of... and i am sangat emotionally unbalanced... !!

Enjoy Your Life

No matter how far we fall off the right track, there are always moments that seems to call us back.. i dont know how to put it in words.. but you'll feel this sudden urge to grab a religious book, to listen to religious song like nasyid or others depending on which genre you prefer... (instead of the korean song that i dont even know what the heck they are singing about if i dont google them for translation!!! but yet i played that over and over again...^0^...) or ahakz... And eventually u'll feel at eased... more relax and calm.. and filled...

so that is what actually happend to me... i started to collect few light reading motivational books that are religious based.. and i did read it.. currently on Enjoy Your Life by Dr Muhammad Abd Al-Rahman Al-'Ariff (tu dia..panjang nya nama dia...)... it can be consider as recreational book that ill grab before sleep or in the middle of not-knowing what to do... or maybe when im extremely empty.. the topics nearly covered what we normally encounter in life and what are the action that was taken by the Prophet when the same thing happens back during His time.. somehow it relates the current condition with the Prophet life.. the book is in English.. but dont worry.. the sentences construction are so simple and make the whole 3 pages text understandable...

among the topics are:

1.The heys to heart

2. Do not criticize

3. Gentleness only beautifies

4. If what you desire does not happen and the list goes on...

p/s: happy reading~~!! and enjoy??? @_@

Parfum

Parfum... that's how the French pronounce perfume.. Im sure many of you out there are regular perfume user which means you dont leave the house without it on certain occasion (office, shopping, meetings or even to mamak's ? o_O). frankly speaking.... i love being around people who smells nice coz i stink!!! ahakzz... some might have certain smell that reminds us of them whenever we come across similar smell.. so trademark!! and im always a big fan of trade mark..And some of the you out there... i know your smell!!! even meters away.... ^0^...why the heck i sound so weird? no seual harassment intention here okay.. nada!!!

i grew up smelling so sweaty from all the sports event and running here and there for chores (walking slow me down!!).. and aha.. up to this age... never had proper perfume before.. its either i bought some weird body shop's perfume and ended up donating the to others coz i barely finish half of the bottle after 2 years from the year i purchase... ahakz... then my bestie introduce me to body mist from Victoria Secret. Love it!!! but again.. the whole 250 ml took me ages to move the level down by 5 ml..?? hehehe and due to the frequent free fall of the bottle... the pressing knob hehehehe kaput!! ayyyyyyy...

Then recently been a regular visitor to Badjenid . They sell most of the hot selling perfume in the market but in the form of essential oil with as low as RM 2 per small bottle (the small one). Not sure whether it should be considered as generic coz the effect is much longer compared to the one selling in Guardian and Watson. So i bought.. ahakz... 4 small different flavor perfume (macam boley makan)..

and 2 bigger one.. 1big + 2 small for each me n my mother...People might questioned: Why cant u just buy the original one? soooo pretender!! nk guna barang mahal.. tapi tak mampu (macam ako kesah klau nk kata pn!!!)... hmmmm per original bottle is around RM 200 ++... for someone that still in search of her 'smell' shouldnt i start with minimal amount? (so diplomatic me~~~yuckksss!!!).. so... people.. wish this stinggan girl luck so that she'll find a suitable one among them.. because..... I WANT TO SMELL NICE...

p/s: no intention of highlighting the background of the bottle... Ayyyy...

Morning

Ive once posted this in my FB: the art of being a good guest is knowing when to leave.. So i was a guest at this lab for nearly 2 weeks. It was a major joy to me since im able to lay my hand on the wahh so up to date instrument and alhamdulillah i manage to familiarize myself with the system within 2 days.. so i was running my samples while listening to the newly acquired ipod (huhh is it too obvious to say that im a gadget freak?never use them to the maximum extend but having them is indeed a MUST!!!)... and finishing up some story books... (2 finished!!!^^)...

maybe my presence is so annoying or maybe i am thinking too much...am i? the not so busy instrument suddenly is under routine running.. it was left untouched previous week... and hint by hint were delivered.. the last day i was there... nearly towards the end of my run, routine run started... with extreme humbleness i asked when is so-and-so not using the machine.. so i would like to pinjam and use.... hmmm "not sure" is the answer.. down sat!!!... then this morning, i asked again... "It will be used the whole day for the lab's samples"... okay... now i am sad... just thought silver lining is showing itself on the dark cloudy weather... and when the heck am i going to finish my research if things like this keep on popping out..!!!

p/s: not much progress from my guitar practicing.. im an absolute tone deaf... and i still couldnt sing along while i strum... it doesnt sound right either...

Day 5

Diary Merah...

camna ni... it has been 5 days my fingers being tortured.. but i still didnt hear any improvement.. the only thing yang ako dengar is ayat adik ako: Awat cam salah tune? huhh... bukan salah tune la.. ako tekan tak kuat n tak betul... cam rasa nk terbelah ja..waawawawa.. extreme torture nih... T_T...

Lupa Dunia

Diary merah...

i wasnt feeling well nowadays... in short.. my life is getting quite.. too quite... which bored me and when this thing happen, i'll be emotionally unstable... i'll get so depressed that i just look blankly at the tiles on the wall.. or be extremely quite and couldn't smile without forcing myself to do so...

the only thing excite me is my newly picked hobby... actually its a revised hobby... inches of dust being blowed away from c coklat that i owned since my second year in uni.. was instantly fell for it the moment i paid for it. But hardly touch it. took classes which i stop after realizing that i have absolutely zero talent in it. But as i watched another zero knowledge girl in it, manage to play a full song.. i was stimulated heavily by it. I'll force myself..no matter what.. even my fingers hurt so much as i force them on the string.. sialnya sakit.. napa la org lain rileks ja...

after obtaining the chords from inche-used-to-have-rambut-goli-goli-and been constantly-changing -his-hairstyle (million thanks weh).. so i've made my first step in exploring again it's world... familiarizing myself with all the chords first...

basically among the chords involve are : G D Em Dm E7 Am7 Am C Dsus4 Bm7 ... Susah gila weh.. camna la mamat-mamat n minah2 terror ni dapat goreng???? wahhhhhh fighting!!!!

p/s: was hoping to turn this small journey into beautiful sound and tune....although still couldn't differentiate and recognize each sound.. eh.. i think everything is out of tune loh!!

A slap on Me

The stacks of dishes and cups were soaped and rinsed with the accompany of the non stop watery eyes alongside with the hingus from the nose. Couldn’t bare to face the crowd, I turned my back and continue to clean and wipe whatever necessary. Passer-by either stops and left the room or just ignores the tense atmosphere. Those cheap tears were wiped with the sleeve of my shirt. Why am I being so sensitive? Why am I acing like I never been scolded before? Why a fighter like me easily shed my tears over small thing?

It must been awhile since the last time I cried over something. I don’t blame them. Nothing they did was out of norm. It was me that lack is of knowledge. It was me that do less preparation when I have more than 2 weeks to prepare but I took it so easily. I expected to be ditch with multiple unanswered questions. But I didn’t expect I have such a low buffering system. Everything started to blurred after everyone left the room. It took nearly 1 hour for my breathing to stabilize and no longer paint my nose and face with red color.

I’m not sure whether it is normal or not to feel the sense of freshness along with the sudden emptiness after you cried. I felt relieved after the cried and vulnerable at the same time. Feel like I was broke into pieces and was glued back with holes and imperfection here and there. Short while after that, I grabbed a motivational book “Enjoy your life” by Dr Muhammad ‘Abd Al-Rahaman Al-‘Arifi. Few glance at the content and like a kid that was given a magic canvas. My soul was immediately filled with I’m not sure what. Words? No. It is something very content. Knowledge maybe. Or probably maturity. Ive been in a hard situation that neither anyone will like, and I fell hard on it and I gained something unexplained by words and I can smile on my silly act and aware that I shouldnt repeat the same mistake and the improvement will be the satisfactory solution temporarily.

God never left you alone in the dark. He’s with you even at your lowest sorrow state. Close you eye and you can feel the love. The presence of protection surrounding you embracing you and reminding you to stay strong because He’s with you.

A thought from the book:

When u climb a mountain, look at the top and not to the rocs that surround you. Make sure of where you step as you climb and do not leap in case you loose your footing.

I am a beg-pack traveller, luggage and carrier bag just don't work on me

Tagline for this story will be: I am a beg-pack traveller, luggage and carrier bag just don't work on me. and heck.. in the attempts to start handy travel log without excess clothing which i hardly wear, i carried a nike training bag which is supposed to fit all the necessary baju in... ahakzz... ako terlupa!!! nk take into accounts on the after visitation to shops, gerai, shopping complexes... ahaa... and dengan gaya super makcik with left and right hop from one train station to another... no more!!! no more!!! i wasn't going to talk much about what i have done through out the trip, but what i have gained through out the days...

1. meeting up your old buddies are so indeed a must after being apart for sometime to find the old you. the genuine you that worry less, think less, enjoy more, watch movie more, laugh more... its a way to reflect how much you have grow... whether positively or negatively...

2. leave all the work behind. It is hard to be an adult.. even worst if u held any important position.. basically workloads will be continuously being reminded whenever u are about to start to have fun.. can i just be once a while being irresponsible and say: forgive yourself once a while will you..leave the BB, laptop behind... ignore those crazy calls.. you are on holidays.. works shouldn't be standing on the way... but susah kan... T.T.. mengeluh jap.... maybe u can do so for long period traveling like what the mat saleh did.. haihhh~~~

3. postponing the date to travel is a vodoo!!! cannot cannot!! do not do so!!!! what happen if u have sick mate in the group? the best option is to get the correct medication for the illness.. DO NOT ever rely on commercially available pills like panadols and its product. These pills will only temporarily relieve your pain but couldnt cure you.. u'll end up suffering and suffocating yourself with all the symptoms.. drop by at the pharmacy or clinic to get the recommended medication... on top of that.. take care of your health when the date is around the corner...

4. be flexible.. always expect the unexpected (no hotel, no ticket).. things often doesnt turn out to be according to plan.. don't be panicked.. control your anger and emotion... coz there might be more things to explore and enjoy or gained by doing the unplanned events... ^^... prepare yourself with surprises..

5. lapangkan dada dan minda anda when you are around others.. all are human being with different way of thinking and behavior... people might agree or might disagree with your plan.. so again.. be flexible and mature enough to handle these situations... stay calm... think of the best way that works for others.. for the whole team.. nama pn geng kan... even you have to put behind your interest.. its ok... u can do it some other time kan... ^^..

Learn to enjoy every single thing u do

Coretan Gelap

Terhenti kata tiada terluah

Dinginnya malam menyapa manja

Ditemani janitor berbunyi tega

Kekosongan jiwa disebalik ketawa

Senyum terpahat palsu belaka

Hiba dirasa ketiadaan makna

Dekat pada tuhan antara caranya

Namun… ako manusia biasa

Tidaj lari dari lara dunia

Tiada tertepis godaan jiwa

Ingin terbang membelah benua

Mencari erti hidup berkelana

Meratah rakus ilmu jauh

Menyambut malam larut belaka

Menjengah pagi tanpa paksa

Harapan, mimpi dan reality berbeza

Ucapan kata dan bicara hanya terluah

Bila tiada teman di sisi

Diri sunyi namun selesa

Terasa ruang banya sekali

Coretan hati tiada pembaca

Lakaran rasa milik siapa

Di depan mata tidak ku timbang

Sesal kemudian sudah ku sedia

Terbanglah wahai mencari bunga

Usah ditunggu kudup layu

Yang tega tidak mekar

Kerna kuatir kecut sebelum masa

Bimbang tika kembang tiada bezanya

p/s: whoaaaa ako merepek time rumahku terhenti letrik … and terpengaruh dengan bahasa lama dalam Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa